The Whole FAT about it...

So, here I am...It's been over a month since I have written anything. No excuses, just been down lately and trying to act as if I am not to everyone, which is really exhausting by the way. Anyway, I have been in the middle of packing things up to go away with my husband to the deer woods for the weekend and decided to get one of my older purses out to take with me. I have had this purse put up for about a year or so and when I cleaned it out, I found a note I had written. It's sort of a descriptive letter about myself, don't know if I have mentioned before but I have wanted to start my own blog and it was a letter of introduction about myself...sort of a letter to me and a letter about me kind of thing. Sometimes I feel the need to just set and write my feelings down and then I am afraid someone might see it so I destroy it, but for the time being, it makes me feel better. Yeah I know, that may just make me weird, but that is what I do.

Anyway, I sat and cried after reading this letter realizing that I have indeed let another year go by without changing. So, I am completely going outside my comfort zone and I am going to post this letter in hopes that it will help me "Wake the Hell Up". Maybe having to face this blog after posting this "Letter to Myself" it will help me keep on track. So...here goes...

  Hi, my name is Lorie. I am a women that wears many hats...so to speak. I am a wife to Steve, we have been married over 4 years now. I am a mother to 4 beautiful children, two boys and two girls. I am a daughter, sister, friend, cook, waitress, maid, taxi driver, shopper, referee...etc. The biggest thing I am is....FAT! I do all these things plus more in a body that is morbidly obese and quite frankly, I am so tired. Tired of always hurting, I am constantly having knee, hip, and back pain. I am tired of never having a good nights sleep because I wake up in so much pain. I am tired of never having the energy to get up and do all the things I should be doing...like enjoying each and every moment of my children while they are still young...they do grow up so fast.

  I get really depressed at times, especially when I take a step back and look around in a restaurant, store or at a family get together and realize I am the biggest person around. I am constantly uncomfortable in my own body and in the clothes I wear. It is impossible to buy clothes that fit right when you are morbidly obese. Sometimes when I am away from home it seems like I can not get home fast enough to get into my "comfy" clothes and not have to be around anyone. I am ashamed of my size. I don't even like to go to the school for conferences or ball games and things like that because I am so afraid it will embarrass my children. I want to be able to do more things with my kids, but I am so tired and/or out of shape to be able too.

  Last September, I had to have a total hysterectomy and during the course of getting test done for that, they realized I now have type 2 Diabetes. My grandma died from complications from diabetes, although she was another one that did not take care of herself. My daddy has it too and he also has high blood pressure. I am constantly worried about him and my momma. I live in fear of losing my parents. How will I ever cope with that?

  What always seems to amaze me is the fact that people who are thin actually think that big people must not know they are fat. As if I need some smart ass to come along and tell me that I am too fat and need to stop eating. I just love the sarcastic folks that think they have the right to judge a person who is overweight. It's like they think we can't control ourselves around food and we are weak or something. Or the ones that actually say out loud..."Oh my God, if I was that fat I would not eat another bite"....or the ignorant people who just automatically assume that since I look 9 months pregnant, that I must be and ask when the baby is due. I have had many instances like these in my lifetime. I usually try to get through the embarrassment or act as if it's no big deal, and then go home and eat anything that doesn't run from me because I am so upset. I am also a bad closet eater....meaning that anytime I am alone and get the opportunity, I sneak something to eat that is a no-no like Reese's cups, Oreo's, or Debbie cakes.

  I am like anyone else who has a weight problem. For one, I love food...I can't deny that one. For two, I get depressed and down emotionally and yep, you guess it, I want to eat. Sometimes, I just eat because I am bored or my husband is getting into the ice cream or something else at night after the kids have gone to bed and I want some too. I can think of all kinds of excuses, but the biggest one of all is that I love food. Trust me, I don't discriminate, I love all foods: fruits, vegetables, meats, breads, and almost anything at a drive-thru or restaurant.

  I am wanting to start a website for several reasons. I am wanting to keep track of all my progress and I am hoping by "putting it out there" it will help keep me motivated and to not give up again as I have in the past. There have been times I have lost significant amounts of weight, only to turn right around and gain it all back plus more. I am like most over weight folks, I have tried all kinds of diets and magical pills but of course they are all only temporary. I had a doctor's appointment last week and was really surprised to find that my doctor has lost lots of weight. I asked him what his secret was and he kindly informed me that he was just simply eating the way I am supposed to be eating since I have diabetes....that was a big eye opener for me. He told me that he has lost 70 pounds in about 8 months just eating healthy...the way I have already supposed to have been eating since being diagnosed in September 2008. Let me tell you, it was a like a big light bulb went off over my head: Duh, you dummy...your not going to be thin and healthy until you live like you are supposed too! So, here I am making a gigantic effort making myself accountable from here on out. I know it's going to be a major challenge switching myself from a junk food lover to a health nut, but I know I can do it. I have the best support system a person could have. I have an awesome husband and awesome parents who are going to help me along the way...because they love me....and I am worth it.

  I really think my biggest challenge during the course of all of this is trying to transform not only me, but my husband and four kids into healthy eaters. Steve and two of my children are really good about eating vegetables but two of them would almost assume go hungry if they have to eat healthy, so not only am I trying to figure out how to get my mind straight and plan meals that I need to eat, I am also trying to figure out how to incorporate healthy eating habits for all my family. So if anyone has any advice about how to do this, I would greatly appreciate it. Knowing this is a lifestyle change, I am sure any ideas I get will be used eventually.

Ok, so there you have it. A letter I wrote about a year ago on an afternoon that for some reason I was alone for alittle while. (Rarely happens) A letter that for some reason got put into a purse and was left where it could have been found. (Totally not a normal practice for me) A letter that I hope helps me....

What a week....

What a week! It's been a while since I have written so I decided since I am setting here at 2:12 a.m. and can't sleep for shit, I should just catch up on my diary.....Where to begin, hummm

I pulled off a surprise for Hannah, she turned 4 on Tuesday. When I say I pulled off, I mean a week before her birthday she pulled a chair up beside me as I was on the computer and says "Mom, we need to talk," acting all grown up and all, she continues while raising her hands and counting down on her fingers..."for my birthday, I want bawoons, party hats, skeemers, cake with candles...and ummm presents, lots and lots of presents!" Ok, I have to admit I thought it was cute as hell especially the "bawoons and skeemers" but I started to panic some.....here I am a mother to 4 children with a mortgage and bills out the butt and I am drawing unemployment and trying to make the dollars stretch. But in the end, I did manage to go buy the stuff to make her face light up and with the help of my wonderful mother, we pulled it off. Ahhh, success!!!

Then, by Thursday, she is sick.....she didn't sleep worth a crap Wednesday night and when she work up, she had a very runny nose, cough, light fever and was just overall a pain in the butt all day. After waiting at the doctors office that afternoon which seemed to be an eternity, I was told she has caught a bug that is going around attacking people's ears......What the hell?!...anyway, she ended up with an antibiotic, steroids, and cough medicine. I was thinking "Ok, OK...I got this all handled".....BOOM...I get sick....By Friday I feel like death warmed over and look worse than that! The real kicker to it, I have no medical insurance, so I have felt like total shit and have been fighting this horrific crap on my own........It's not a pretty site I must say. On the up side, I think my husband felt sorry for me, Saturday he got up when Hannah woke up and let me sleep in.....that NEVER happens. It was so nice. :)

So, I have spent most of the weekend in my pj's in the recliner or on the couch with tissues all around watching reruns of Roseanne, That 70's Show, and Reba. I did venture out a time or two, had to go to the in-laws for dinner.......there is a whole other story for later.....and I went to a freecycle meeting with my mom. :) All in all, I think I am starting to feel better, maybe I am going to fight this stuff.

The Mystery of Potty Training.

Hannah is 3...next Tuesday she turns 4. She is a smart girl, sometimes to smart for her own good, but she refuses to even try to poop in the toilet. Let me tell you, when I say she refuses, I mean she absolutely will NOT even try to do it. She can pee in the toilet all day long without any problems, but let a poop pain hit and she is running in the bedroom to put a pull-up on so she can hide and poop. I just do not get it! What in the hell is the deal? If for some reason she can't find a pull-up, she will hold it in, which just causes a lot more problems in the long run...she actually went almost two weeks one time! 

I'm beginning to think I will have to either hide a pull-up in her back pack when she starts pre-school (I can hear it now...Um, Mrs. Hurt, we have a situation down here.)or just pray there are no "accidents".   UGH!!!! 

The Hurt Bunch!

The Hurt Bunch!

This picture was taken in December 2009. Yeah, I know, we need an updated picture.

Me and Steve

Tanner, 12

Chase, 9

Kayleigh, 15

Hannah, 3

Start of a new month

Well today is the start of a new month...September. It's funny to notice the differences between me and my husband. Steve is addicted to hunting....Duck hunting to be more specific, but non the less Hunting. His thoughts on September 1st....it's closer to Duck season and Bow season starts in 30 days. My thoughts - OMG, Halloween is next month and I get to decorate and Christmas is going to be here before I know it. The first day of August...I stress about getting the kids ready for school to start...school supplies, new shoes and clothes, locker rentals, schedules and open houses done. His thoughts in August...I need to get some brush ready to be put on the duck blind. lol 

Don't get me wrong, I like to go hunting, I think I prefer Deer hunting over duck hunting, but I still do both. I think I would love duck hunting more if I didn't have to get out of my nice warm bed at 3 in the morning and take a very long (actually it's not that far but it seems like it when your spine is aching from the cold) boat ride down the river over to the duck blind. I like to shoot guns, I actually have my own, its a Remington 870 20 gauge that my husband bought me on our first Christmas together. I often wonder if that makes me look weird to other women that I was OK with getting a gun for Christmas, but I have to say I am not a typical women and I don't care what other people think. Of course, it did help that he also bought me a necklace. I like to hunt, go muddin and do all the "boy" things, but I am also a girly girl at times too. :)

The Student in Me...

Hummm, where do I begin? Guess I could explain the whole "Trying to get into LPN School" thing. About 10 years ago I got a job in a Shoe factory working out on the floor taking an hourly count of production. After about a year, a job in the Engineering Office opened up and thankfully I was selected to do the job. After working for a couple of years a new position opened up...ISO Coordinator...so I took that job, still in the Engineering office. I was really happy in that position most of the time, I mean I actually started feeling like I had a career instead of "Just a job".  I had the best boss, who I still think very highly of. (Just incase you ever read this...Hi Gary!) But Gary had to quit when he was diagnosed with Cancer and so we lost our Engineer at our factory. After going through some changes in Management and such, the opportunity opened up for me to train to become the Industrial Engineer. Man, talk about an exciting and scary place to be. I had never been to college, but after working for years under Gary, I decided I like the whole Engineering thing. The factory sent me to Chicago....ME...a country girl who had never even been out of the state of Arkansas alone!!! WOW...talk about scared to death, but I did it. They rented me a car and I drove for over 11 hours one way. (guess it was cheaper on the company to do that than to fly me there) You should have seen me, I felt like one of the Beverly Hillbilly's walking into the Hilton Garden Inn, a very nice Hotel, with a Corporate Card and was able to charge everything. I was nice though, most people would have went nuts charging this and charging that, but I didn't...mainly because I was alone in the biggest city I had even been in and was not about to go exploring all by myself. Anyways, I went through a 2 week training course on MTM and got Certified. Believe me, after that whole ordeal, I felt like I could do anything and I was feeling pretty good about my future. Then, after about a year of training and promises of getting the Engineering title, it happened. One morning when I got to work, they called a big factory meeting and told us all they were going to shut down the factory within a few months. So, in September of 2009, I lost my Career. I was given severance pay for a few months and then boom...Unemployment!

So, with the factory closing and becoming a dislocated worker, I have the opportunity to go to school. You know, when you have to up and change careers and you are faced with the "what do I want to be when I grow up" feeling it is a whole different kind of scary. So, I have thought long and hard about what I want to do. I started thinking about what I always wanted to do when I was a kid and Nursing just seems to fit for me. I love helping people and I would like a career that is not going "shut down" on me like the shoe factory did. The LPN program here in town is very, very competitive and I was not picked the first go around. There were 600 of us applying for 25 positions so my hopes of getting picked the first time was very slim, but I am going to be retaking the 2 test you have to take here within a month and with any luck I will be starting LPN School in January 2011. I hope and pray.

Oh Wow....The joys of figuring out new things.

Ok, so if you are reading this, you are either in my home and snooping on the computer to see what all I have been doing (LOL) or you stumbled upon my blog by pure accident I am sure, but in either case.......Howdy!

I have been a lurker for awhile to several blogs and I secretly wanted to start my own...not that I really have anything interesting to say, but I figure in a house with a husband that has an enormous sense of humor and 4 children that are all in their own little ways comedians, I just might be able to entertain someone out there. Not to mention, I think I am wanting a little "ME" time. Not quiet sure what that is exactly, but I hear it's a good thing. :)

So bare with me, I will get this all figured out...hopefully. :)