So, here I am...It's been over a month since I have written anything. No excuses, just been down lately and trying to act as if I am not to everyone, which is really exhausting by the way. Anyway, I have been in the middle of packing things up to go away with my husband to the deer woods for the weekend and decided to get one of my older purses out to take with me. I have had this purse put up for about a year or so and when I cleaned it out, I found a note I had written. It's sort of a descriptive letter about myself, don't know if I have mentioned before but I have wanted to start my own blog and it was a letter of introduction about myself...sort of a letter to me and a letter about me kind of thing. Sometimes I feel the need to just set and write my feelings down and then I am afraid someone might see it so I destroy it, but for the time being, it makes me feel better. Yeah I know, that may just make me weird, but that is what I do.
Anyway, I sat and cried after reading this letter realizing that I have indeed let another year go by without changing. So, I am completely going outside my comfort zone and I am going to post this letter in hopes that it will help me "Wake the Hell Up". Maybe having to face this blog after posting this "Letter to Myself" it will help me keep on track. So...here goes...
Hi, my name is Lorie. I am a women that wears many hats...so to speak. I am a wife to Steve, we have been married over 4 years now. I am a mother to 4 beautiful children, two boys and two girls. I am a daughter, sister, friend, cook, waitress, maid, taxi driver, shopper, referee...etc. The biggest thing I am is....FAT! I do all these things plus more in a body that is morbidly obese and quite frankly, I am so tired. Tired of always hurting, I am constantly having knee, hip, and back pain. I am tired of never having a good nights sleep because I wake up in so much pain. I am tired of never having the energy to get up and do all the things I should be doing...like enjoying each and every moment of my children while they are still young...they do grow up so fast.
I get really depressed at times, especially when I take a step back and look around in a restaurant, store or at a family get together and realize I am the biggest person around. I am constantly uncomfortable in my own body and in the clothes I wear. It is impossible to buy clothes that fit right when you are morbidly obese. Sometimes when I am away from home it seems like I can not get home fast enough to get into my "comfy" clothes and not have to be around anyone. I am ashamed of my size. I don't even like to go to the school for conferences or ball games and things like that because I am so afraid it will embarrass my children. I want to be able to do more things with my kids, but I am so tired and/or out of shape to be able too.
Last September, I had to have a total hysterectomy and during the course of getting test done for that, they realized I now have type 2 Diabetes. My grandma died from complications from diabetes, although she was another one that did not take care of herself. My daddy has it too and he also has high blood pressure. I am constantly worried about him and my momma. I live in fear of losing my parents. How will I ever cope with that?
What always seems to amaze me is the fact that people who are thin actually think that big people must not know they are fat. As if I need some smart ass to come along and tell me that I am too fat and need to stop eating. I just love the sarcastic folks that think they have the right to judge a person who is overweight. It's like they think we can't control ourselves around food and we are weak or something. Or the ones that actually say out loud..."Oh my God, if I was that fat I would not eat another bite"....or the ignorant people who just automatically assume that since I look 9 months pregnant, that I must be and ask when the baby is due. I have had many instances like these in my lifetime. I usually try to get through the embarrassment or act as if it's no big deal, and then go home and eat anything that doesn't run from me because I am so upset. I am also a bad closet eater....meaning that anytime I am alone and get the opportunity, I sneak something to eat that is a no-no like Reese's cups, Oreo's, or Debbie cakes.
I am like anyone else who has a weight problem. For one, I love food...I can't deny that one. For two, I get depressed and down emotionally and yep, you guess it, I want to eat. Sometimes, I just eat because I am bored or my husband is getting into the ice cream or something else at night after the kids have gone to bed and I want some too. I can think of all kinds of excuses, but the biggest one of all is that I love food. Trust me, I don't discriminate, I love all foods: fruits, vegetables, meats, breads, and almost anything at a drive-thru or restaurant.
I am wanting to start a website for several reasons. I am wanting to keep track of all my progress and I am hoping by "putting it out there" it will help keep me motivated and to not give up again as I have in the past. There have been times I have lost significant amounts of weight, only to turn right around and gain it all back plus more. I am like most over weight folks, I have tried all kinds of diets and magical pills but of course they are all only temporary. I had a doctor's appointment last week and was really surprised to find that my doctor has lost lots of weight. I asked him what his secret was and he kindly informed me that he was just simply eating the way I am supposed to be eating since I have diabetes....that was a big eye opener for me. He told me that he has lost 70 pounds in about 8 months just eating healthy...the way I have already supposed to have been eating since being diagnosed in September 2008. Let me tell you, it was a like a big light bulb went off over my head: Duh, you dummy...your not going to be thin and healthy until you live like you are supposed too! So, here I am making a gigantic effort making myself accountable from here on out. I know it's going to be a major challenge switching myself from a junk food lover to a health nut, but I know I can do it. I have the best support system a person could have. I have an awesome husband and awesome parents who are going to help me along the way...because they love me....and I am worth it.
I really think my biggest challenge during the course of all of this is trying to transform not only me, but my husband and four kids into healthy eaters. Steve and two of my children are really good about eating vegetables but two of them would almost assume go hungry if they have to eat healthy, so not only am I trying to figure out how to get my mind straight and plan meals that I need to eat, I am also trying to figure out how to incorporate healthy eating habits for all my family. So if anyone has any advice about how to do this, I would greatly appreciate it. Knowing this is a lifestyle change, I am sure any ideas I get will be used eventually.
Ok, so there you have it. A letter I wrote about a year ago on an afternoon that for some reason I was alone for alittle while. (Rarely happens) A letter that for some reason got put into a purse and was left where it could have been found. (Totally not a normal practice for me) A letter that I hope helps me....
You can do it, Think of it as a way of eating rather than a DIET. Diet puts restricitons on us,, Healthy eating is our choice.
ReplyDeleteOur lives are made up of choices. We just have to make the right one.
good Luck
Sue